My wake up call

Did you ever get hit smack in the face with a big flaw? Like, it comes out of nowhere and takes you by surprise? I got this the past week. It's so hard for me to share this, but in a way, by writing, it's my accountability. It's my way of letting myself know that now that I know where I need to work, there is no excuse.

There has been a series of events that have led up to this point. A couple of weeks ago, I had a really big heart to heart with a friend. I was sharing some struggles with her that she had dealt with in years past. She was honest with me. Blunt in fact. And at the time she was talking to me, and questioning my motives in an area of my life, I was pushing her away. I denied a lot of what she said and tried to steer the conversation back to safe and none threatening ground. But honestly, the Holy spirit was using her to start a work in my heart. Little did she know, I was very quiet during the conversation on the phone because I was crying from being convicted.

I am going to be blunt here. But I first want to say that if I offend some, I do not mean to. As always, we all have made mistakes and God is gracious to forgive. Also, we are all on different paths and the things I struggle with may be a breeze for someone else... bring in Sandra.

If you don't know Sandra and Mike, you don't know that they make a great couple. They fit together just right. Sandra and I laugh at times that Mike and Peter tend to be alike. They both are a little anal about things. They both want to do everything the right way, and have their opinion on how these things should be done. We have spent much time with them as a couple and I will be honest, when they leave our house sometimes, I have this unsettled feeling. Why? I figured it out. Conviction.

Sandra is no dummy. She is a smart, independent lady. And she doesn't need anyone else to think for her. But she has this very submissive, quiet spirit towards her husband that I yearn for. Even though she can figure things our for herself, she always asks Mike for his opinion. She actually WANTS to know what he thinks.

As for me.... I have a harder time with that. I think I made myself think that I knew what submission was and that I had that with Peter. But lately God has made it VERY clear, especially through my husband, that often I have a bad attitude and want to be in control. It is such a struggle for me.

Peter has really pointed out my lack of respect for him. So many times, people ask me to participate in something, or help them in someway that interferes with our schedule. Peter is very giving of his time, and even though he usually would want me to go help, he would like to be asked. I can not tell you how many times I volunteer, then come to him and say, " Is that OK that I go?" His reply, "Why bother asking me if you already committed?" Why do I want to please others before my husband. I was hit hard today what lack of respect that is showing him.

This is only a small picture of what really is going on in my heart. I know I constantly want to be in control. And I know that if Peter was not as strong of a man as he is, I would be walking all over him and "wearing the pants in the family." I am so thankful that he quietly and graciously shows me my error and waits for me to fix it. He's so patient.

I am encouraged in a way, because at least now I see where I am at. I was blinded before. Not seeing how ugly my heart really can be. But I know that God is willing to change me if only I am willing to let go and let him lead. I think I may be doing more studying on submission... to God and my husband. I can't wait to see what God will show me. And I thank God that he gave me a man with such patience. I could not ask for a better husband for me.