Bye Bye Baby

The garage was getting crowded. The van barely fit inside. As I struggled to carry my little girl and a few grocery bags through the van into the house, I realized it was time. The garage needed to be cleaned. With 3 little ones in the house, a project like this takes days. I did a little here and there as they played on their bikes or picked flowers in the front yard. But there was still one pile of things I refused to touch. Baby items.

Peter and I have had months to come to grips with the fact that Clara is our last. We knew even before she was born that my body could not handle anymore. And even though we both wanted a larger family (although 3 feels like 50 some days!), we put our trust in the Lord to make the final decesion. And he did.

But as I gaze over that pile of baby gear, my heart begins to ache. All the feelings of wanting to hold a baby in my arms start flooding in. I know... I still have a baby. And believe me when I say, I have never held a baby so tight. Rocked a baby so long. Eagerly ran to her room at night when she cried. But I already feel my arms being empty. No other time in my life will a human being ever need me more then right now.

Now before you say, "But there is so much more to parenting then the baby stage." I get it. I know. And I know so many more joys come. But for now, I hurt. It would be wrong of me to feel that the ability to have children has been taken away from me, because it was a gift to begin with and whatever God wanted for our life, He gave. I am very blessed to have the precious girls that I have.

However, it has suddenly become a big blow to me that we will not have anymore children. Please please please do not take this as me being insensitive to those that struggle with even having one child biologically. I am not comparing the two. I am simply sharing where I am at.

For now, all I know is that I must enjoy every special moment with my kids and not take anything for granted. I soak up the hugs, kisses and snuggles. I am so glad that Clara is such a sweet baby that loves to be snuggled.

As for the garage, well, it's clean. I did make myself suffer and shed more tears as I watched the baby stuff go into the garbage truck. I almost dove into the truck,but I had some restraint. Aren't you proud?!


  1. Clara is a beautiful baby...as are your other little blessings. :)

    I have always wondered when we will "know" that we are done having children. I also wonder how I will feel at that time. Probably like you! :)

    It's sooo natural for a mother to yearn and long for children...it's a God-given instinct. Don't EVER feel embarrassed, ashamed or saddened by your feelings. God knows your heart. Enjoy your children...love them...hug them and like you said, snuggle snuggle snuggle!!!

    Thank you for sharing your heart. :)

  2. It has been a while since I actually was proactive in following some of the blogs that I do. Sorry I missed this! We are about to embark on the same project, and yes, those "lasts" come to our mind first. It's okay and there are many of us right along with you, wishing that time could stand still even for just one moment. Love you!

  3. You're making me cry :-/
    I can't even begin to imagine what that feeling is like...